My nickname is kelly. I'm a 40yr old mom of two beautiful little girls, two guinea pigs and a hamster(Rocky)~ICU nurse~cancer survivor~recovering addict~ex-smoker~living
in Calgary, Alberta.....
.... or...
just another sheep searching for the meaning of life and everlasting
happiness....
bahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
When i find it i'll be sure to let you know though ;)~~~~~~~~
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Updates/Announcements
Currently i don't know if i'm going to maintain
my blog on a daily basis but i am going to blog ACC (cancer) updates - the
original reason for creating my webpage and blog. *Hugs* to my friends and i wish
anyone looking for information about cancer on behalf of themselves or friends
and family all the best on your journey. ~kelly sXe
"With happy
thoughts,
faith and trust and
a sprinkling of fairy dust"
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Thursday, July 29, 2004
Well my sponsor has something planned for every f&cking nite my kids are away. J&sus f&cking... blah blah. You'd think she was trying to keep me outta trouble or somethin. Me get into trouble? ha. Did the tuesday night meeting with L my sponsor... after we had supper. I blew off last nights meeting but then ended up with K, L and D by ten anyway after i was done falling apart. Did the thursday nite meeting tonight with L after we had supper. I think i found someone that eats out more than me. L wants me to do the friday nite meeting tomorrow and the sober dance after... i don't think i can f&cking take it. I'm sleeping in tomorrow.
The first time i went to a sober dance K had to drag me... she didn't want to go either but she was forcing herself and so thought she'd force me too. I just couldn't figure how something like that could be any fun. It was awesome... if i hadn't gone i never would have believed it. It was like being at a wedding where you know everyone, they're playing really great music, ya dance all night..... only no one is pukin drunk or snorting coke in the bathroom. Imagine that.
Today was a better day than yesterday thank f&cking g*d. Thank g*d for my friends or i'd be dead. Spent some of the better parts of yesterday crying. I dunno what was up with that... man it was brutal... weird how it just hits you. L tells me it's ok to feel stuff. I said really?... is it okay to sit at home cryin too? She says yea but call me. Pain like that scares the sh&t out of me... i feel like if i let it in it will just swallow me up and it will never stop...i can sorta see myself start trying to dump it... find something to get out of it... don't have too many escape routes left these days though. Not sure how i even got through the last year when i really think about it. The cancer and what i'm dealing with today is a walk in the park in comparison.
When i was doin dope i think i went for ten years without crying. I thought i was the strongest f&cking chick on this planet. I really did... i can remember thinking wow i haven't cried for ten f&cking years... i must be like a really happy person. The thing that got me was when i mentioned it to my program friends and they got that look that i've come to recognize when someone realises they aren't terminally unique after all and then they exclaim..." i know!!!... i used to think the exact same thing!! " And here I thought i was the only person on the planet that thought like this.
susi
11:25 PM
"I have heard it all my life,
A voice calling a name i recognized as my own.
Sometimes it comes as a soft bellied whisper.
Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.
But always it says:
Wake up my love.
You are walking asleep.
There's no safety in that."
- -- Oriah Mountain Dreamer
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"You're an interesting species... an interesting mix.
You're capable of such
beautiful dreams...and such horrible nightmares."
- -- Contact
C A N C E R S T U F F
accoi - adenoid cystic
carcinoma organization international
