My nickname is kelly. I'm a 40yr old mom of two beautiful little girls, two guinea pigs and a hamster(Rocky)~ICU nurse~cancer survivor~recovering addict~ex-smoker~living
in Calgary, Alberta.....
.... or...
just another sheep searching for the meaning of life and everlasting
happiness....
bahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
When i find it i'll be sure to let you know though ;)~~~~~~~~
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Updates/Announcements
Currently i don't know if i'm going to maintain
my blog on a daily basis but i am going to blog ACC (cancer) updates - the
original reason for creating my webpage and blog. *Hugs* to my friends and i wish
anyone looking for information about cancer on behalf of themselves or friends
and family all the best on your journey. ~kelly sXe
"With happy
thoughts,
faith and trust and
a sprinkling of fairy dust"
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Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Well i guess it's been an interesting day. Spent three hours with my sponsor this morning. Just when you think you have all your cr&p figured out they manage to dig up more. I doubt i'll ever truly think i've got all my cr&p figured out but it's amazing the ability some people have to dig into all the nooks and crannies of your life and pull sh&t out. It helps that my sponsor just happens to be a social worker and therapist no doubt... a true match made in heaven.
I've been lying to myself about something for 27yrs. How bizarre. To be this old and realise i was actually able to partition something off until it's like it didn't happen. I hated something that happened to me so much... hated something i did so much that i made it go away. After awhile it was like it really hadn't happened because i didn't want it to have happened. Even sitting there talking about it this morning i had this urge to argue and say.. "but you don't understand.. this didn't really happen.. it wasn't what you think it was.. " ... but how can you when someone is right in your face telling you this did happen and somewhere inside you you know it did... and you marvel at how effectively you erased the event and for so long.
Kinda sux having someone around that calls you on all your sh&t... asks all the right f&cking questions so you don't get away with a damn thing. I tell the truth 99.5% of the time... which is pretty amazing for me around people that care about me. A little white lie slips out once in awhile. I'm not sure why really... well i guess it's habit... a protection thing... learned many years ago when people's expectations were impossible to live up to... when the consequences of not living up to their expectations was too much for someone so young to handle. So what do you do when you can't handle the consequences? You do the only thing you can do at that time... you learn to lie... and they love you until they find out you've been lying. And then they take it away.
I don't have to lie to my sponsor... but it's really hard when someone starts caring about me because i start caring that i'll disappoint them and once i start caring about that it's like a conditioned response... i have to be thinking all the time so that i don't just start doing it without even knowing i'm doing it. I suppose fear is part of it... fear they won't love me anymore if i disappoint them. They're so different from everyone i've ever known... not judgemental... critical... harsh in any way... there's nothing they want from me... drugs... sex... whatever... they just want me to be okay. I say it but i don't think i really get it.
She thinks i'm going to end up dead one day in the not so distant future. On some level i know she's right but somehow i don't really believe it. I don't really know how to make it matter. They have this way of doing things that is different from anything i've come across or maybe i was so numbed out from all my sh&t in the past i just didn't notice. They have this way of calling you on your stuff by letting you know that they love you and if you die it's really going to hurt them. Kinda f&cks things up when someone does that sh&t to you. All the lecturing and flipping out in the world is no where as effective as coming face to face with that. Still it's not enough... not yet... maybe one day soon.
susi
10:46 PM
"I have heard it all my life,
A voice calling a name i recognized as my own.
Sometimes it comes as a soft bellied whisper.
Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.
But always it says:
Wake up my love.
You are walking asleep.
There's no safety in that."
- -- Oriah Mountain Dreamer
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"You're an interesting species... an interesting mix.
You're capable of such
beautiful dreams...and such horrible nightmares."
- -- Contact
C A N C E R S T U F F
accoi - adenoid cystic
carcinoma organization international