My nickname is kelly. I'm a 40yr old mom of two beautiful little girls, two guinea pigs and a hamster(Rocky)~ICU nurse~cancer survivor~recovering addict~ex-smoker~living
in Calgary, Alberta.....
.... or...
just another sheep searching for the meaning of life and everlasting
happiness....
bahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
When i find it i'll be sure to let you know though ;)~~~~~~~~
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Updates/Announcements
Currently i don't know if i'm going to maintain
my blog on a daily basis but i am going to blog ACC (cancer) updates - the
original reason for creating my webpage and blog. *Hugs* to my friends and i wish
anyone looking for information about cancer on behalf of themselves or friends
and family all the best on your journey. ~kelly sXe
"With happy
thoughts,
faith and trust and
a sprinkling of fairy dust"
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Sunday, February 09, 2003
If we say my weight Dec 25 was equal to zero my weight today would be plus 18.5lbs. It's hard to admit but i somehow managed to gain almost 20lbs in just over a month. I've never done that before... EVER. It amazes and disgusts even me. I don't get it. I don't know why i do it. I know it has something to do with emotional eating and comfort food and all that f*cking Oprah crap... but holy sh*t... 20lbs in a month?????? Wtf???
I'm sort of vaguely aware it's happening while it's happening... but i shut off my mind... i block everything out... any pain... any unhappiness i feel... and i do just those things that make me feel good... not long term feel good but short term feel good... eating... not exercising... smoking... sitting and playing mindless games that take 110% of my attention so there is no part of my mind available to think... to think of things i don't want to think about... i stop weighing myself... i stop looking in a mirror.
What am i avoiding? Hell i'm not sure even i know. I just know i get tired of fighting the urge to do those things that feel good... i get tired of working so hard to accomplish so little. I take a vacation from life and i wake up 20lbs heavier and out of control. And yet i'm strangely in control the whole time... i dunno... it's weird. Then it slowly starts to hit me... the vacation is over... i have to get a grip... i become aware that my clothes don't fit right... i start feeling kinda gross... i know i only have a day or two and i gotta get back to work.
Even though i start to wake up and see what i've done it takes me a while to take action. It's like standing on the edge of a pool... you know you are going to jump in... you know you have to jump in... and you step up to the edge and say right this is it i'm going in... but at the last second you say no hang on... this happens again... two times... three times... until finally you say to yourself oh f*ck it... jump in for g*d's sake and you jump.
Well i've been standing at the edge for a couple or 3 days now. I've looked in the mirror... stood on the scale and there's no doubt the party is over. I start out good everyday... i have the best of intentions and then by evening something triggers bad habits and it's all thrown away for another day. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow... but then tonight a friend pissed me off enough to jump... so tonight i got on the treadmill... did some weights and started from the beginning yet again. G*d i hope this rollercoaster ride ends some day. I'd rather go on the ferris wheel... well i would if i wasn't so f*cking scared of heights. :P
susi
12:03 AM
"I have heard it all my life,
A voice calling a name i recognized as my own.
Sometimes it comes as a soft bellied whisper.
Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.
But always it says:
Wake up my love.
You are walking asleep.
There's no safety in that."
- -- Oriah Mountain Dreamer
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"You're an interesting species... an interesting mix.
You're capable of such
beautiful dreams...and such horrible nightmares."
- -- Contact
C A N C E R S T U F F
accoi - adenoid cystic
carcinoma organization international
